Ok, Michelle is back! I'm rusty and in need of some maintenance, but that isn't the point! The point is...I'M BACK. I feel like I've been through a battle and if I'm really honest with myself, some days I feel like I'm still fighting. Who have I been fighting you ask? MYSELF.
Have you ever gone through a time in your life when you feel like your world is crashing down on you and there doesn't seem to be ANY light at the end of the tunnel??? I have to say things started April 3rd 2009, this is the day my boyfriend told me, "Michelle, I have deep feelings for you, but as a partner, I just don't see it right now". Ok, ok...if I'm really honest, here we go with the HONESTY again, the beginning of my troubles probably started way before that, but this day was different. My almost 2 year relationship with the "love of my life" was officially ending...it was sort of like a movie...you know, the kind of movie where boyfriend breaks up with girlfriend, not because he cheated, not because there was a huge fight, not ANYTHING...he just wasn't into me anymore and that was IT. I felt like the "latest fashion trend" that was finally out-of-date. You know like "the tuck-and-roll" from the eighties. Come on you remember, everyone was tucking and rolling up the bottoms of their jeans. It was the coolest thing to do at the time...it was fabulous, but somehow someone just decided one day that it just wasn't "cool"anymore. (See above picture) Ok, it was much more upsetting than the loss of the tuck-and-roll, it through my world for a loop, my stomach flipped, I couldn't eat, I isolated, I became bitter, I started sleeping in...way too late, I was just existing, my personality took a "backseat" and I just started going through the motions of being a part of society. Ok I wasn't even doing that. I let my bills go, I stopped working, I did everything I could possibly think of to ignore myself, you know... that way (in my mind) I didn't have to deal with the "acceptance of the situation".
Listen, I could go on and on about how terrible I've been feeling lately, but I am sick of doing that. Something inside of me has told me, it's time. Time to start living MY life again. Don't get me wrong, I'm still hurt, some days are better than others, but the fact of the matter is this, "nothing changes, if nothing changes. I WANT to start feeling better, I want "Michelle" back, I want to feel happy again. So this is my project, it's sort of like an experiment:
To start living my life again, to start pretending like I enjoy things, to start forcing myself to be responsible, to force myself to have fun, to take care of my finances, to love myself again...on and on! Here's the thing, if I keep acting miserable, I'll probably keep feeling miserable, maybe if I start acting "as if" my life were good again, it might actually start feeling good again. So there it is. This is "project Michelle. I'll let you know how it goes, that is why I started this blog. I'll keep you posted!
