Destination...hesitation!

Ok, I have to say, things were going great with "project Michelle". I got back on my feet, I started laughing again, I'm working 3 jobs (busy but good), I even started to enjoy listening to the radio again (and not freak out from every love song that played, blah, blah, blah)....and then...... my "ex", who will remain nameless at this point, told me (yesterday morning) that after being apart for 6 months, he's engaged to be married! Now you ask, am I still doing ok? Answer: I'm ****ING PISSED! That's right you're reading this blog correctly...ENGAGED! After almost 2 ****ing years of him not being able to to commit, the asshole is engaged after 6 MONTHS to another woman, and how I found out you ask? Read (and yes it is quoted) the following text message exchanges:

(Mind you, I woke up Sunday morning really just wanting to know if the man that I cared about so much was still alive, I hadn't heard from him for 6 months, I hadn't even tried to communicate to him within this time frame except once. I sent a quick text about 3 months ago letting him know I still existed and that I did miss him.)

Sunday morning October 11th, 9:14am

Michelle:"Hey there, it's Michelle, just wanted to c if ur doing ok, I was just thinking about u, I hope u r well. Don't need to know any details, I really just want to hear if u r ok, that's it. Love always, -M"

Ex:"I am engaged to be married"

(at this point I'm re-reading the message to see if my eyes were fooling me, I don't even know what to say, except for "WHAT THE HELL, instead I type...)Michelle:"To who?"

Michelle:"were you cheating on me?"

Michelle:"Listen, I have some questions & then I'll leave you alone, please just communicate to me for a second."

Ex:"No, I never cheated. You need to STOP the txt & calling."

(what the hell, this was the 2nd time in 6 months I tried to communicate with him, he writes the above message like I'm stalking him or something, wouldn't any normal person be floored by this and possibly want to communicate with this person enough, so that what is being said is communicated correctly?)

So anyway, yes this all sucks to high heaven, and yes I've had better days, but what can I take from this, what's the lesson? I think there's 2 things for me here:

1) I'm better than this bullshit, I deserve the best and nothing less. Listen, I know I'm not perfect, I never will be, and I never expect anyone else to be perfect either, but there's a difference in doing something rude and doing something mean. This man treated me like crap towards the end of our relationship, and I laid down on the floor and volunteered to be a doormat, "f" that, I'm standing up now, I guess it's someone else's turn!

2) The second thing is it's ok to feel my feelings. A lot of people have been telling me that I just need to move on, and while I completely agree with them, (it isn't healthy for me to hang on to the "hope" of wanting anything with this man again) I also think society has put this pressure on us to feel happy, joy, and goodness all of the time. What happens when crap happens? It's somehow not ok to feel bad, it's inappropriate to feel angry, it's not acceptable to cry when you need to. The fact of the matter remains, "feelings are just feelings, neither "good" or "bad" they ARE JUST FEELINGS, period. I think our feelings are legitimized for one simple reason, they are ours and we simply "just have them", if we didn't we wouldn't be human. I wonder, what would happen if the next we saw someone cry we just put our hand on their shoulder for comfort, or the next time we saw someone flip out in anger, we just smiled to ourselves, because we know we've all been that angry before too, maybe we see someone completely happy and we simply join them in their joy, what if we just accepted it all for what it was. So to all you awesome people out there that read this blog, this isn't a pity party for Michelle, and I'm not looking for any answers, I'm just writing to outlet these feelings and I'm glad you're along with me for the ride!

A good friend once told me, "Michelle it's not about the destination, it's about the journey."

I am not a "Tuck-and-Roll"

Ok, Michelle is back! I'm rusty and in need of some maintenance, but that isn't the point! The point is...I'M BACK. I feel like I've been through a battle and if I'm really honest with myself, some days I feel like I'm still fighting. Who have I been fighting you ask? MYSELF.

Have you ever gone through a time in your life when you feel like your world is crashing down on you and there doesn't seem to be ANY light at the end of the tunnel??? I have to say things started April 3rd 2009, this is the day my boyfriend told me, "Michelle, I have deep feelings for you, but as a partner, I just don't see it right now". Ok, ok...if I'm really honest, here we go with the HONESTY again, the beginning of my troubles probably started way before that, but this day was different. My almost 2 year relationship with the "love of my life" was officially ending...it was sort of like a movie...you know, the kind of movie where boyfriend breaks up with girlfriend, not because he cheated, not because there was a huge fight, not ANYTHING...he just wasn't into me anymore and that was IT. I felt like the "latest fashion trend" that was finally out-of-date. You know like "the tuck-and-roll" from the eighties. Come on you remember, everyone was tucking and rolling up the bottoms of their jeans. It was the coolest thing to do at the time...it was fabulous, but somehow someone just decided one day that it just wasn't "cool"anymore. (See above picture) Ok, it was much more upsetting than the loss of the tuck-and-roll, it through my world for a loop, my stomach flipped, I couldn't eat, I isolated, I became bitter, I started sleeping in...way too late, I was just existing, my personality took a "backseat" and I just started going through the motions of being a part of society. Ok I wasn't even doing that. I let my bills go, I stopped working, I did everything I could possibly think of to ignore myself, you know... that way (in my mind) I didn't have to deal with the "acceptance of the situation".

Listen, I could go on and on about how terrible I've been feeling lately, but I am sick of doing that. Something inside of me has told me, it's time. Time to start living MY life again. Don't get me wrong, I'm still hurt, some days are better than others, but the fact of the matter is this, "nothing changes, if nothing changes. I WANT to start feeling better, I want "Michelle" back, I want to feel happy again. So this is my project, it's sort of like an experiment:

To start living my life again, to start pretending like I enjoy things, to start forcing myself to be responsible, to force myself to have fun, to take care of my finances, to love myself again...on and on! Here's the thing, if I keep acting miserable, I'll probably keep feeling miserable, maybe if I start acting "as if" my life were good again, it might actually start feeling good again. So there it is. This is "project Michelle. I'll let you know how it goes, that is why I started this blog. I'll keep you posted!