(Mind you, I woke up Sunday morning really just wanting to know if the man that I cared about so much was still alive, I hadn't heard from him for 6 months, I hadn't even tried to communicate to him within this time frame except once. I sent a quick text about 3 months ago letting him know I still existed and that I did miss him.)
Sunday morning October 11th, 9:14am
Michelle:"Hey there, it's Michelle, just wanted to c if ur doing ok, I was just thinking about u, I hope u r well. Don't need to know any details, I really just want to hear if u r ok, that's it. Love always, -M"
Ex:"I am engaged to be married"
(at this point I'm re-reading the message to see if my eyes were fooling me, I don't even know what to say, except for "WHAT THE HELL, instead I type...)Michelle:"To who?"
Michelle:"were you cheating on me?"
Michelle:"Listen, I have some questions & then I'll leave you alone, please just communicate to me for a second."
Ex:"No, I never cheated. You need to STOP the txt & calling."
(what the hell, this was the 2nd time in 6 months I tried to communicate with him, he writes the above message like I'm stalking him or something, wouldn't any normal person be floored by this and possibly want to communicate with this person enough, so that what is being said is communicated correctly?)
So anyway, yes this all sucks to high heaven, and yes I've had better days, but what can I take from this, what's the lesson? I think there's 2 things for me here:
1) I'm better than this bullshit, I deserve the best and nothing less. Listen, I know I'm not perfect, I never will be, and I never expect anyone else to be perfect either, but there's a difference in doing something rude and doing something mean. This man treated me like crap towards the end of our relationship, and I laid down on the floor and volunteered to be a doormat, "f" that, I'm standing up now, I guess it's someone else's turn!
2) The second thing is it's ok to feel my feelings. A lot of people have been telling me that I just need to move on, and while I completely agree with them, (it isn't healthy for me to hang on to the "hope" of wanting anything with this man again) I also think society has put this pressure on us to feel happy, joy, and goodness all of the time. What happens when crap happens? It's somehow not ok to feel bad, it's inappropriate to feel angry, it's not acceptable to cry when you need to. The fact of the matter remains, "feelings are just feelings, neither "good" or "bad" they ARE JUST FEELINGS, period. I think our feelings are legitimized for one simple reason, they are ours and we simply "just have them", if we didn't we wouldn't be human. I wonder, what would happen if the next we saw someone cry we just put our hand on their shoulder for comfort, or the next time we saw someone flip out in anger, we just smiled to ourselves, because we know we've all been that angry before too, maybe we see someone completely happy and we simply join them in their joy, what if we just accepted it all for what it was. So to all you awesome people out there that read this blog, this isn't a pity party for Michelle, and I'm not looking for any answers, I'm just writing to outlet these feelings and I'm glad you're along with me for the ride!
A good friend once told me, "Michelle it's not about the destination, it's about the journey."
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